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Live
to Eat
Nancy
had not had a food binge for over 2 years when she flew from Miami
to Chicago to attend the wedding of her friend's daughter. Single,
independent, and devoted to her work, Nancy had just sold
her first screenplay . She was pleased but she was also
experiencing the 'postpartum' letdown that always occurred when
she finished a major project.
Despite
knowing , from 2 years in Overeaters Anonymous (OA), that she need
to keep a safe distance from food , especially in emotionally hard
times, Nancy spent the entire day of the wedding rehearsal
party in the company of food. She stood in her friend's
kitchen for hours-cutting, chopping, sorting, arranging, and,
eventually, picking at the food.
When
night and the guests came, the flurry of activity made it easy for
Nancy to disappear-physically and emotionally-into a binge. She
started with a plate of what would have been an
"abstinent" meal (an OA concept for whatever is included on one's meal plan):
pasta salad, green salad, cold cuts, and a roll. Although the
portions were generous, Nancy wanted more. She spent the
next 5 hours eating ,
at first trying to graze among the guests, but then when shame set
in , retreating to dark corners of the room to take frantic,
stolen bites.
Nancy
stuffed herself with crackers, cheeses, break
, chicken, turkey, pasta, and salads, but all that was a
prelude to what she really wanted-sugar. She'd been waiting for
the guests to leave the dinning room, where the desserts were.
When they finally did, she cut herself two pieces of cake ,
then two more , then ate directly from the serving tray,
shoving the food into her mouth. She reached for cookies , more
cake and cookies
again. Heart racing, terrified of being discovered, Nancy finally
tore herself away and slipped out onto the terrace.
By
now , in what she thought of as a "food trace," Nancy
piled her plate with bread, onto which she smeared some
unidentifiable spread. Though the food tasted like mud, Nancy kept
eating. Soon, other guests came out to the terrace, leaving Nancy
feeling she had to move again, which she did, stepping into the
kitchen-and the light. When Nancy
glanced down at her plate , she was horrified : ants were crawling
all over it. Instead of reflexivity spitting out the food, Nancy
overcome by shame, could only swallow. Then her eyes began to
search the debris on
her plate for uncontaminated morsels. Witnessing her own madness,
Nancy began to cry . She flung the plate into the trash and ran to
her room.
That
event marked the beginning of a 6-month
relapse into binge eating-Nancy's experience with binging
since the problem began 15 years earlier. During the relapse, she
binged on foods and refined carbohydrates, returned to cigarette
smoking to control the binging, and once again was driven to
"get rid " of the calories by incessant exercise after
each binge, walking 4 or 5 hours at a time, dragging her bicycle
up and down six flights of stairs, and biking miles after dark in
a dangerous city park.
Throughout
the relapse , Nancy went to therapy and to OA. But the binging
worsened, as did the accompanying isolation and depression, which
kept her awake, often crying uncontrollably, until the early
morning hours. Finally, her therapist, a social worker, referred
her to a psychiatrist, who put her on an antidepressant that has
been used to control binge eating and on a structured food plan
that excluded refined
sugars, breads, crackers, and similar carbohydrates. Within a few
weeks, Nancy was able to stop bingeing , come out of the
depression , and resume her life. After 2 years on the medication,
on binges, and the gradual reintroduction of breads and related
carbohydrates into her diet, Nancy was able to stop taking the
antidepressant0, without depression
or return to binge eating. She continues to be active in
OA.
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