10. No roof damage from reindeer
9. Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocholate coins) on candle races
6. You can use your fireplace
5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth
2. Cheer optional
1. No Irving Berlin songs
CHANUKAH AT THE DELI
During the first day of Hannukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a
wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were
talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came
over from Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable
Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect
Yiddish?" they both thought.
After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of
theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?" The
manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh.
He thinks we're teaching him English."
DIET
GUIDE TO THE JEWISH HOLIDAYS
Rosh Hashanah ---- Feast
Tzom Gedalia ----- Fast
Yom Kippur ------- More fasting
Sukkot ----------- Feast
Hoshanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah ---- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan - No feasts or fasts for a whole month.
Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah --------- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet --- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat ------ Feast
Fast of Esther --- Fast
Purim ------------ Eat pastry
Passover --------- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot ---------- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz --- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Nine days -------- Don't eat meat.
Might be OK to eat cheescake or blintzes.
Tish B'Av -------- Very strict fast
(don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul ---- End of cycle.
The Presents
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we
visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the
expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't, like the other
one?"
The Story of Hanukkah
Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is describing
his new Playstation 2 to John. "Where did you get that?" John asked
"I got it last night for Hanukkah," said Stan. "What's
Hanukkah?" John asked.
"It's the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights
to celebrate the festival of lights."
"Wow, I wish we got that!" John exclaimed. The next day on the way to
school John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got. He sees that Stan is
upset, "What's wrong? Where's your present from last night?" asks
John.
Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper, "It was leftovers
night."
'TWAS THE NIGHT
BEFORE...
HANUKKAH VERSION
'Twas the night before Chanukah
and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching
Soch ah disgrace!
The Kinderlach, sleeping,
uneasily felt
The chocolate rush
from the Chanukah gelt
And me in the easyboy,
so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic
which held up my gatchkes.
When up on the roof
(and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alte kakker
was making a kvitsch.
I jumped up real quick
and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet,
or only a schnorrer?
He wasn't alone;
he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name
as he gave a gebrach:
"On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrik, on Feivush, on Ham;
My kidneys are kvelling;
do you give a damn?"
He had a white beard
and payyes to boot,
And to keep out the cold,
he had such a nice suit!
A second from Peerless,
I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay,
and so were the pants.
He was triple XL,
a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out,
"Meshuggener! Get off from Mein roof!"
He jumped down and said
as he shook hands with me,
"Max Klaus is the name.
You have maybe some tea?"
So I gave him a gleisel,
while he shook his white mop,
Mutt'ring, "Always the same thing,
They're dreying my kopp!"
>From Vancouver to Glacer Bay,
Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world
hakks meir a cheinik!
They're screaming for presents,
and challah with schmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone,
the back pain, gevaltz!"
So we sat and yentehed,
and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money,
and one of my kanidels)
He said, "Business is not bad,
a living I make,
But I'm getting too old
for this Chanukah fake;
And the cell phones, you see
how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I'd quit,
and move to Palm Springs?"
And he gave a geshrei
as he fled mit a lacht,
"Gut Yontiff to All,
Vey is Mir, Such a Nacht!"
Hanukkah
Hee Haw
