Merry Christmas


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Christmas Punnies

What do elves learn in school?
The ELF-abet.

How many reindeer does Santa have?
11 (named below):
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen,
Rudolph (the one with the red nose),
Olive (all of the other reigndeer)
and Al (Then Al the reigndeer loved him all).

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

What kind of bird can write?
A PEN-guin

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long distance-runners on each side.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph-the red-nosed reindeer?
Beacuse every buck is dear to him.

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
We'll have a "boo" Christmas without you.

ELF#1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF#2: "OKay everyone, sack time!"

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

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Christmas Dinner Punnies

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan !

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !

What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when " !

What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !

Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed !

What bird has wings but cannot fly ?
Roast turkey !

Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth !

We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
Really, we had turkey !

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus !

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
Grave-y !

Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said .
'Actually I got it for a poultry amount,' she said.

A man went to a butcher's and saw that the turkeys were 90p a pound. He said to the butcher, 'Do you raise them yourself?'
'Of course I do,' the butcher replied. 'They were only 50p a pound this morning!'

How do you tell the difference between tinned turkey and tinned custard?
Look at the labels!

Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!

Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
What did he use to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.

Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean.
That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!

I'd like Father Christmas stew.
Er... how do you make Father Christmas stew?
You keep him waiting half an hour!

Is that policeman eating turkey?
No, he's eating truncheon meat.

This turkey's disgusting!
Well, you asked for a foul roast!

This turkey tastes like an old settee.
Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.


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On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called
for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to
play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic

(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

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