Jokes, One
- Liners and Hilarious Poems to keep everyone laughing on Father's Day
One evening a little girl and her
parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said,
"Daddy, you're the boss, aren't you?" Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and
said yes. The little girl continued "That's because Mummy put you in
charge, right?"
"Daddy,
Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?" "But I've given you 10 glasses of water already!" "Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!"
What
did the father ghost say to the naughty baby ghost? Spook when you're spooken to!
Why
do golfers take an extra pair of socks? In case they get a hole in one!
What
do you call two people who embarrass you in front of your friends? Mum and Dad!
How
many ears did Davy Crockett have? Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier!
My
Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it's always Mum who
tells him which pair to put on!
Do
fathers always snore? No - only when they are asleep!
Knock
knock Who's there? Canoe Canoe who? Canoe help me with my homework please Dad - I'm stuck!
Family
Loop
Many, many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow,
Pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
With flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
Now my daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up-daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
Dead Sea Gull
A father was at the beach with his
children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him
to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy,
what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to
Heaven," the dad replied.
The
boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back
down?"
Poor Preacher
After the church service a little
boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some
money."
"Well,
thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because
my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
Thunderstorm Company
One summer evening during a
violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about
to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy,
will you sleep with me tonight?"
The
mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I
can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A
long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice:
"The
big sissy."
Going to DisneyLand
"Hey Grandpa!, can you make a
noise like a frog?"
"I
think I can do that. Why?"
"'Cuz
Dad says when you croak, we're going to Disneyworld"
Letters
Dear
Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
from you.
Love,
Your $on
-------------
The Reply:
--------------
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge
is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Dad
Why Parents Go Gray
The boss of a big company needed
to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main
computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling
put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss
asked, Is your Daddy home?
"Yes",
whispered the small voice.
"May
I talk with him?" the man asked.
To
the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting
to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes",
came the answer.
"May
I talk with her?"
Again
the small voice whispered, "no."
Knowing
that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the
boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be
there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides
you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes,"
whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering
what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked
"May I speak with the policeman"?
"No,
he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy
doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking
to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing
concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that
noise?"
"A
hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What
is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In
an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed,
concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"Why are they there?"
Still
whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me."
Top ten things you'll never hear
a dad say.
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm
lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9.
You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for
unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8.
I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like
that.
7. Here's
a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!
6.
What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good
enough for you, son?
5.
Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to
consider throwing a party.
4.
Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey
thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to
a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3.
No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now
quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2.
Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to
spend.
1. What
do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big
deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)
Read the Label
A three-year-old boy went with his
father to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed
his mother that there were 2 boy kitties and 2 girl kitties.
"How
do you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy
picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think
it's printed on the bottom."
Dad Lines
I figured out why they call our
language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much
of it.
Say what you will
about healthy eating and all, but I've always found it awfully difficult
to explain to my son (who's 6'4" to my 6' in height), why junk food
is bad for you.
One
time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on
Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
If
you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us
buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get
somebody who's Everything?
I
started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they
demanded their allowances in gold.
New and Improved
The little girl was sitting in her
grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would
take her eye's off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by
she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally
she spoke, "Granddaddy, did God make you?"
"Yes,
sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh
she said," then "Granddaddy, did God make me too?"
"Yes,
indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little
while ago."
"Oh"
she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it now isn't he?"
